Sometimes I can’t breathe. It is like all the air is suddenly sucked out of the room. It feels as if there is a great stone sitting on my chest. There are things I want to say to certain people-like please open your eyes Miss C! Ask me questions, rage at me, wonder why. I wrote her a letter, I thought that may lighten some of the weight, but I realised it was not a good idea to send it as it could backfire and affect someone else dear and important to me. So although I have lightened my load in that I have a letter I can carry around, ready to deliver at a more appropriate time, till then I still have to carry it around. It is a burden that was placed upon me unfairly by some people who thought it was a good idea to mess with me and eventually try to destroy me. After almost 10 years I still don’t know why. I still don’t know why I couldn’t fight back. I still don’t know why I internalised it-punished myself. Tried to be what they wanted, and failed then broke out and tried to shock. What did you people want from me?… Oh, I see. Well, I am really dented, but they weren’t the first and I’m sure they won’t be the last and I am still here.
I will continue to inhale, and exhale. When the air leaves I will keep breathing. I will bring it back. I will keep going-for myself. I will talk to God (my idea of God, not the religious, dogmatic idea of God)-sometimes He/She/It listens and there is an exchange, other times I have to accept the silence. That’s when I know I have to work a bit to discover the answers, find the help for myself. God is still there, just not talking to me at the time. Because I know this, I have been able to keep going.
I don’t know what it’s all about, but it’s about Something. There is so much more than our tiny human brains can perceive or understand.
- Exhale (tappingthewellwithin.com)